A Peregrine Entity In A Sweater Poorly Knit

I HAVE MOVED!

2011-01-07T04:37:00.001-08:00

http://ps116.tumblr.com/
my new blog account ^^

please continue to follow my unfortunate mishaps and crazy antics on tumblr. i needed a site to revitalize my bloggin interests, and blogger just didnt cut it anymore. come follow me on tumblr!

psalm 27

2011-01-06T18:16:00.000-08:00

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

4 One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

7 Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.

13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

2010-11-13T21:57:00.000-08:00

incase you dont or cant, watch this video, tonight i decided to finally talk TO the camera instead of making videos trying to pull emotions from people like some kind of tweeny bopping sparkling wanna be blood sucking vampire. instead im gonna tell you what ive been dealing with. yes, i will give you all a fair shot at me. "here" this is me, take it, embrace it, and lets be friends and social once again; or ignore it all like your thoughts and ideas do not matter...really it is your freedom of choice. but yes, i have been going through shit learning how to be a parent...and yes, im missing the way my social life used to be. those who are still without kids have their own things to go do at the drop of a hat, while those who have kids either want to just tell me has to raise my own child, or dont want to be around us at all, either way it still leaves us friendless and alone. but get one thing straight, this is no cry for sympathy...this is just mearly looking for an answer...one that i hope to god is out there.

peace and shalom
ps116
dan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHGCd68PnTQ

2010-11-10T20:14:00.000-08:00

i feel as though i may be wanting to come back to blogger.

BUT

i feel like starting a co-blog with a few people and making about weekly journeys through our own lives and spirituality. i have a few pepole in mind, but basically a person would be givin one day of the week to blog about something, then the next person on thier day and so on. i believe it would be a neat experience and could actually prove to be something great and worth while.

YET

im still brainstorming. in the meantime, hello friends, it has been a while!

2010-07-30T04:22:00.000-07:00

it's not so bad

it's not so bad...

yeah, you stole...

2010-07-11T18:51:00.000-07:00

im going to make this as brief as possible.

a fire has been stirred. so many things have been settling ontop of other junk, that as they settle it's like blowing the dust off the old, and making it seem somewhat new again. i logged on here to say that i have ideas i need to speak with you about, but as of right now that isnt happening... all i can think about is how i have been robbed. guess what.... i want my shit back! its been long enough. i have spent years searching for the thing that can replace what has been taken from me... still to no avail.

yeah, you stole...

to bead, or not to bead

2010-02-12T21:21:00.000-08:00

there has been a lot of thinking today since last night. i have been reading a book by ed dobson about living a year like jesus.

http://www.livingjesusly.com

some of the things he does is quite rediculous, yet as i read i began to see how rediculous it was to overlook the little things he did. now i do not believe in eating kosher and wearing jewish garments... but there is something to the discipline he experienced in honestly trying to get every detail right.

so i have decided 2 things, meditate/sabbath and focus more on disciplined prayer.

to focus on prayer i will be getting some christian prayer beads and teach myself to pray 8 different prayers to coincide with the invitatory leading to the four groups of seven beads forming the "weeks" beads, while praying with the cruciform beads. i have never done anything quite like this and never really thought that prayer in this way was "special" or really even meant anything. but this seems to have prevoked my curiosity, and so i will try....

where did my sweater go?

2010-02-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

there are times when i just want to run and hide. there are times when i just want to be left alone.

oh how i long for summer nights when i can just leave my house in the silence of night and just walk...until i end up back at my front step.

look, i am a human being who is earnestly and honestly trying to seek out the will of god. i am desperately crying out for movement for the kingdom, and i see nothing but jesters dancing in a way that frustrates me.

so i ask a question... do i go on having faith that the things i feel are spirit based, or do i write things off and wonder if my feelings are just plain wrong? if i feel as though the spirit of god resides within me, can i trust my own feelings even when people i trust tell me something which i think is wrong? i am afraid of having full confidence in myself because im not quite sure where that line falls into just being prideful and thinking that i am a know it all. does anyone have a clue on this? should i even be concerned about how i may be percieved? i dont know what it means to be a christian in this world anymore...and im not sure i want to be in the same boat as alot of people that consider themselves christians...and this scares me.

i just want to love god, and worship jesus. i want to see jesus in all things and feel truth...speak truth...see truth...and hear truth.

i dont want to conform to the right side, or the left side, or the upside down side... i want to live after jesus.

i want to teach my daughter about jesus and love him together as family. yet i feel like the older i get and the more i care to be like jesus, the more christians try to fuck it all up for me. the more i try to play a part in church, the more i get pissed off and the more i see things negatively.

i hope someone reads this and has some kind of encouragement or even some kind of words to say...because i am losing hope. i am losing hope in the people i have respected and looked up to spiritually, and frankly, i am starting to feel quite alone. the more i speak out on the behalf of christ, the more i feel persecuted by my own brothers and sisters in faith.

i dont know if i want to belong in this brotherhood anymore. i want to love jesus and follow after him, but im not quite sure how to do this anymore.

there once was a time in my life where i could walk this easily with other people and actually get to places we wanted to go, and see god do some amazing things...i dont know what changed....DO YOU?

2010-01-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/dbjnovakoski

i am starting my video blog (vlog). enjoy.

2009-11-25T17:40:00.000-08:00

this is the first of my videos that i have uploaded to the web. it is fragments of a dream i had about leaving life and entering into death, only to witness my own rebirth with the dawn...more to come. experience, and enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWB4ysqIc6k

gin on the rocks with a hint of lime.

2009-11-20T21:51:00.000-08:00

hey, it has been quite some time since i have been posting on here. lately i have lost my ambition to blog about anything on this site, yet feel the need to blog. im going to finally start working towards my video blog, thanks to the inspiration from my friend jerrrrrrmiah. keep ya posted.

2009-11-01T19:53:00.000-08:00

i have nothing to say....

to my adelynn mae...

2009-10-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

Such an intent stare
One eye at a time

You are a rare bird
The kind I wouldn't even mind
Writing in the margins of my books

I mean I know that now is all there is
And love'll just make you cry
So I live for the sight of a rare bird
Suddenly flying by

And I meet your stare
One eye at a time
Writing in the margins
Of my mind

Sometimes I see myself
Through the eyes of a stray dog
From an alley across the street
And my whole mission just seems so finite
My whole saga just seems so cheap

And that's when your song calls to me
From way up in a tree
And I look up
And the whole world
Is as it should be

2009-10-02T13:55:00.000-07:00

Come all you reborn

Blow off my horn

I'm driving real hard

This is love, this is porn

God will forgive me

But I, I whip myself with scorn, scorn

badlands

2009-09-30T18:26:00.000-07:00

where do i begin? i dont know.

* i hear bombs shaking the foundations of the earth in the distance, and sirens alarming the people of the on coming destruction. the synagogues are full, but the streets are quiet...a place only for the dead. that is where i will be, in the chaos and destruction. seeking... *

there are many things running through my mind tonight, begging to have attention drawn to them. i feel as though i am being pleaded to 'step out'...but to where? onto what? this tension of needing to do something and not knowing what that is just sucks ass. it torments me to the point of making my anxiety levels just ready to overflow.

* i hear music in the night, and see a fire in the distance, with tribes of people dancing, joining in song, of celebration - of peace. i know not what this all means, but it is here...and there...in the middle of the chaotic night, there is joyous psalms being sang in the streets... *

i feel as though i am fighting an army i cant see. i feel a spark waiting to turn into a bright fire, but the spark just cant light. i have ran too long, my desire is to stand in this place and fight...deliver the kingdom like i once did before. but this time it looks insanely different than it did before...i dont know it this way. a disconnected, structured, rule-booked mess of a way of trying to do this...and through it all, i have realized that i have forgotten on how to really talk to people. connecting seems foreign to me...my soul has become a lonesome spirit on a journey that feels so unshared, so uncertain...and it feels like it is my own fault...

* we walk the dirt and stone
it is the land of a refugee alone
forgotten men on long forgotten roads
so far to go so few to share the load

everyone has come and gone
but the road is still a thousand miles long

and the worst for most is my very best

"come to Me all you weary and I will give you rest" *

to my rest, i walk, and fight. i need clarification, peace, hope, i need.....

...just ONE WORD.

Nag Champa and Ethos.

2009-09-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

e·thos (ths)
n.
The disposition, character, or fundamental values peculiar to a specific person, people, culture, or movement: "They cultivated a subversive alternative ethos" (Anthony Burgess).

Friday to Sunday.

we

2009-09-03T19:51:00.000-07:00

there are so many things i would like to blog about tonight, but i just cant seem to jot these thoughts down. i have lost the art of being able to process my thoughts and feelings for writing, and that sort of bothers me. so many things have been changing in the past few months. not only am i becomming a father, but i am learning what it feels like to love something so damn much that i can just go absolutely crazy. on becoming a father i have had to tackle many psychological battles with myself, such as dealing with my up bringing by my father, and things like learning that my stuff doesnt matter anymore. my clothes - dont matter. my games - dont matter. my rooms - dont matter... my schedule....
but this just hasnt been a time of developing fatherly characteristics. i have had to deal with watching friends push themselves into deep seeded depression and rise back up out of that, as if they decided that they still had more fight left in them. only to see some of them still be depressed. there has been an undercurrent of trials with alot of friends in the past few months... people have really had to deal with some tough shit, and learn how to rise above it...and some are still laying face first in the dirt, waiting to be picked back up again. me, on the other hand, have only had a mild case of ass kicking compared to what i have been used to in the last 4 or 5 years. i have been making a slow turn around, yet feel like i am just hitting the tip of the iceberg. a friend told me tonight that he had a feeling that this "new" season was going to be dealing with more, heavier, trials...as if having a baby wasnt enough. but with all being said, life is good. my wife is amazing, and it has been a blast watching her carry our baby. this has to be the most amazing thing i have ever experienced in my life...more to come...

declaration of dependence.

2009-06-07T18:38:00.000-07:00

i remember a time in my life when things were so different then they are now. i remember a time when i was so different then i am now. i think of many reasons why things can be SO different. i mean, nothing stays the same, everything changes, everything has a season. but there are just some things that shouldnt change, atleast, not as drastically.
there was a time when my life was over. i had exhausted everything that i had come to know in 20 years, and in a metaphorical way you could say that i had reached the "dying time" for my life by 20. it was time for me to change, a time for a new beginning... i found people full of love and peace, and freedom. all of these things flew under a banner with a leader who people share many names and opinions of. so at the age of twenty i took a chance. i took a chance on life again, people, and...myself. i threw EVERYTHING away (not intentionally). such things included friends, family, addictions, lifestyle....comforting things. i threw everything i knew for 20 years away to live in an abandoned school building on the west side of town, with a wierd group of people, far from anything i knew. and guess what, i loved it. i had found what i had always been looking for. there was so much growth because people believed in eachother, in themselves, and a god of peace. but like i said, everything has a season. two years after my glorious discovery things started to crumble...people began to crumble. friendships broken, sides chosen, blindfolds were once again put back over the eyes of people who once could see.
i say all this because i am really angry with alot of people, for letting apathy and evil win the battle we fought so hard for. all the people once there (brothers & sisters), their voices have disappeared, their faces are no longer uplifting. instead i find myself feeling more and more disappointed the further i get from that place, that community. the finish line was so close that i could taste it, see it, feel it...and i know you did too. when i am ALONE it makes me weep. i weep because i really feel ALONE. lonliness has become quite real and quite apparent in my daily life. as a human being. as a follower of the way.
i have great friends.
i have a great wife.
but it shouldnt end there. the community i once felt should still be shining a beacon of light, should still be holding eachother up, should still be fighting up against oppression. so many people have walked away...from what we once stood for...from ME. i know it is most likely two sided, as much as everything usually is, so here is my declaration of longing for that again. if ANYONE is out there who feels this way, please let me know that i am not alone. stand up, do not let them divide us any longer.

peace.

2009-05-04T15:30:00.001-07:00

why are you doing this to all of us?

not quite what you wanted...

2009-04-10T23:50:00.001-07:00

i sit here at 1:20am, feeling anxious to the point of feeling sick to my stomach. there are many things i can do that would dull my thoughts and put me back to sleep but i feel like i need to put some things out there. this may be very personal so bring some forgiveness if you fully read this. first, i am scared that i may have some sociopathic tendencies, and that is the number one thing i hate about myself. there are times when i feel like i cannot control my actions or words, even emotions when it comes to social situations. many times i feel adrift along a swooping rabid river of life. sometimes i drown people out when they are talking to me and i know i give little reaction to what is being said, and i know THAT is a very frustrating thing about a person (especially one who yurns for conversation). my mind seems to run at 100 mph all the time, out of control with no brakes, and it may seem like i am not fully aware of the surroundings. i feel like a horrible friend to so many people because of this. sometimes i can feel like a horrible husband because of this, even though it stems from my knowledge of my retardness (sociopathic-like tendencies). it may NOT be true, but i feel it, doesnt that make it true? i genuinly love people, but i come off differently. why? tonight i was catching up with an old roommate, updating him on my life in the past year, and i felt like he thought i was bragging....which was not true. so how do i beat this awkward feeling of being a hermit in my own mind? i feel as though i cannot control these tendencies, no matter how hard i try.
secondly i want to explain something that hit me earlier tonight. i consider myself a devoted follower of jesus. i dont really know what that means right now. PLEASE KEEP READING. there are alot of people i love dearly (family, friends) who are really turned off by this talk, so let me explain. i detest western-american christianity. i used to HATE the ideal of organized religion, but something happened to me. after highschool i was confused to what life was about, and what i should do. naturally being out on my own at 18 felling this way, i turned to the party crowd. i began living for social events that held excitement. what started off as learning of the world of alchohol, soon turned into pot, then cocaine, then ex, then pills...then there was rock bottom. i pushed away everyone close to me by the time i hit rock bottom because i hated myself so much that i couldnt stand to see people loving on me. i would use and abuse people, get whatever i could out of them. shortly after i found myself broke and homeless. after i used all my money on living in hotels, i moved into the hotel parking lot living in my car. hating everyday of my life, i saught after anything that would take my mind off of what my actually reality was at that point. through circumstance i met a guy (who turned out to be one of my closest friends) who never judged anyone. a guy who would do anything for anyone without recieving a reward for his deeds. this guy was imperfect in the worlds eyes, yet, ideal to heal the world. he didnt claim to be a christain and still is not part of organized religion, but he loves god and loves people unlike anyone i have ever seen. the guy was so interesting to me because of his sense of freedom from EVERYTHING that the world throws at you to bind and break you. so i began learning, discussing, this freedom. i had a chance to spend the winter holidays with his family, and i began to see the same spirit in all of them. i was excepted as family, even with my brokeness and ugliness out on the table. soon after i found a community of people who shared these ideas right across the street from the place i was staying, and they tell me they have recently started a church. i gave up my last vice (pot) the night i spoke with the guy leading this group of people, and mentioned moving into the church after hearing my story. so i lived in a building we called church with a few other guys for two years, learning how to deal with this jesus, and what he meant. "christianity" has become a tainted, dirty, ugly adjective that people so freely add to their nametag to place them in a certain "box" in society. but i will not dive into that just this minute, i have another direction i want to go. so i believe that a baby was born from a virgin, started ministry at age thirty and died at age thirty three, on a cross, and rose from the dead, and ascended into heaven. that sounds quite the norm for a christain faith based person. but it is his life that i am concerned about, and want to explain the "me" in it. jesus was a scary dude, if he was here today alot of churchy people (including myself) probably wouldnt care too much for the man. he was unpredictable, said some confusing and controversial things, and always seemed to be the smartest guy in the conversation. i linger on his teaching on how to live. "they will know you are mine by your love", is what he told a disciple when he was asked on how people will know they were believers. love? that is it? LOVE? nothing else man? just love? ok. love. i love my king, but i find it hard to love people unconditionally. i fail. i fail at being a good friend, husband, and count (soon to be) father in there as well. ask my parents, i fail at being a good son as well. i fail everyday of my life. i think i have things right, i think that i am good, but its a lie. i am a constant failure who has had so much grace in my life (another story, another time). so why do i believe in this jesus thing now? because if it isnt real, what is the point? i believe that there is a key to peace and harmony, and it was laid out before us in the confusing parables told in the gospels. did jesus come to just save souls? i doubt it. i think it was to bring the garden back to the earth, but we have to put it back together since we destroyed it. i believe in this stuff because i have seen some freaky things that science cannot explain.
so i come to the point of trying to conclude thoughts of good friday...in my anxiety i find myself broken yet content in my brokeness because i can find a peace here. i know there is a need for striving a little harder to heal somethings in my life...to become more than a sociopathic hermit. there are many people i love who are agnostic, atheist, and very conservative christians. i love them all equally because we are all the same. we are searching for truth, some find it and some do not. i believe that my faith in yeshua is what keeps me going, and gives me hope that my kingdom is not of this world. i know there may be some differences between us, but i love you no matter what you feel. please do not let idiotic people make you feel a certain way about yourself or others. i appologize if this comes across as some type of evangelical thing, i promise you it is not inteded that way. i felt like i needed to share some insight into what is going on with me. i am feeling very isolated, and unneeded. thank you to those who have been there and i have missed it.

peace.

and then...shiver.

2009-04-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

when did i get so scared? when did i decide to shut you up?
..............................................................
Make me feel like a beggar
Make me feel like a thief
Make me feel like a battle, that cannot end in peace
Make me feel like running, as if I've lost my nerve
Make me feel like crying, tears I don't deserve

Please bleed
So I know that you are real
So I know that you can feel
The damage that you've done
Who have I become
To myself I am numb
I am numb
I am numb

Is this really living sometimes it's hard to tell
Or is this a kind of gentler hell
Turn out the lights
And let me stare into your soul
I was born and bled for you to hold

Please bleed
So I know that you are real
So I know that you can feel
The damage that you've done
Who have I become
To myself I am numb
I am numb
I am numb

Never said thank you
Never said please
Never gave reason to believe
So as it stands
I remain on my knees
Good lovers make great enemies

Please bleed
So I know that you are real
So I know that you can feel
The damage that you've done
Who have I become
To myself I am numb
I am numb
I am numb

2009-04-04T04:40:00.001-07:00

ANYTHING.

luna

2009-03-26T19:15:00.001-07:00

there is so much hurt that i did not know about, dwelling deep inside of me, just waiting to be PRICKED- so it can bleed dry of all the emotion, all the darkness. friends who have battered and bruised me in the past, before i believe in divinity and grace. not knowing where to displace my anger and pain, i would dig a hole and with dirt covered hands and dirty fingernails, i would caress that one thing - that one feeling of hurt or anger or pain or depression. there are times when things (that were not displaced right) sneak up and begin to haunt me. to be truthful, sometimes i love the feeling of lonliness, the feeling of despair. yet it grows tiresome really fast.
i have begun to write a book, telling my story from elementary to becoming a daddy. i plan to make it very provacative and refuse to tone it down. there will be lots of stories of detailed drug abuse and dark thoughts that haunted me through my darkest hours. but all of that to show how good grace is. there will be things in it that you dont know about, and will grow to hate me if you read it. i hope you do, you should, because i was bad. but like i said, all that to show how great HE is for trading his favorite thing, his son, for a lowlife drug abuser, who looked out for himself and did some nasy stuff. it may take years to complete but i want to do it. i know it will never get publishe but i am doing it for me, and my kid, so they will know my story.
lord i just pray that you will heal my dark hurt feelings, and give me the wisdom to write this book. you are king, i am your SERVANT.

2009-02-27T16:32:00.000-08:00

lord i dont know what you want me to do, this is hard. but i think it is what you want. sorry if i screw this up.

Sweet songbird singing in the morning hour
Waking me up to tell me how
Another day passes along
I love that simple song that reminds me
I’m getting closer to you
And every time thoughts tumble down
My mind is unwound
So much to say
Maybe on another day
When these words will come out right
A lesson in love is the hardest thing
You and I will ever learn
Because our hearts are so shy
And I think of you everyday
And in the night I pray
That you’re safe from harm
We’re walking on a thin string
But I know the Lords got the whole thing in his hands
We’re strangers in this land
But together could make our way home
Make our way home
Sarnwen

The fire passed me by
The earthquakes shaking the mountain
And I let em’ go
When love had left me dry
Your quiet voice broke through
To water my soul now
Oh sweet thing, she’s coming round my way
Oh sweet love, what else can I say
Today

2009-02-23T19:04:00.001-08:00

Learn this lesson well, my friend
There’s a time to rejoice and lament
Every season will find an end
All will fade and be made new again
Standing on the rocks of the railroad tracks
Feet calloused, eyes open, sun beats on my back
As I gaze upon the unseen winds
And they are wandering, whispering
Wisdom that’s eternal
From the heart to the mind
To the hand to the journal
Now the kernel of the seeds in the cleft of the rock
And it’s watered by the winds
Having power to unlock and
Stop the clock of chronological logic
With its homogenized systems
That are dead and can’t dodge it
Being deaf to the voice of the Almighty One
Spirit illumines the dark like a fire
Revealing the way that was hidden but is higher
Now we must travel on the wings
That will never grow tired
Of searching the mysteries of God
I said Father the feathers of my wax wings
Fall away by the rising of the sun
And I have descended when I was undone
And I will ascend when your Spirit comes
Because what’s been done and overcome
Cannot be stopped by the power of any human
Like the number of sand we will stand
And we will fall, all
In the face of an eternal call
But those who call on His name
In the midst of the pain
In the guilt and the shame
And the world full of blame
And all the bloody stains
From the unjust gains
I learned all men suffer the same
Because we’re wayward sons
And all our jokes betray
Our foolish hearts and our selfish ways
But if we would turn to the Father’s grace
We would never be the same
This is an unseen land of a devastated soul
That’s prepared in contemplative silence
For the mighty working hand of an unseen Lord
To come restore this land from its violence
I said walk another mile
Stare across the fields of grain
This is how the prophets train
Learn this lesson well my friend
There’s a time to rejoice and lament
Every season will find an end
All will fade and be made new again

_garrels

in love with the greenery.

2009-02-18T13:39:00.000-08:00

saturday, march 3rd 2008, 8:42 pm

i am somewhat jealous of God's creation. im talking about the trees, grass, rivers, streams, rocks, everything...

i admire the way that it stays calm even in the most terrible storms. through thunderstorms i watch the trees swing and dance, along with the grass, so calm and quiet. creation just seems to react to it's creater. the other day i was driving down the country and saw rain beating down on a river with snowbanks piled up along it's banks. steam began to rise from the river as well as from the snow, like cold water hitting a hot pan. the steam was swirling and rising up to become part of the cloud that was above it. the cloud soon was apart of the water, bridged by the steam, it seemed as though the cloud had come down to touch the surface while it was dancing in the wind, climbing back up to the heavens.

i wish i just reacted to God that way, i wish i could just let my sin and my burdens just rise like steam, purified, reacting, being taken far away from me. ive been trying to set my eyes towards the kingdom. everything about my life needs to desperately point towards the gospel of yeshua. i need to learn to shut up and just react to christ, instead of expecting him to simply react to me.

2009-02-07T21:13:00.000-08:00

this is unbearable

yet pleasurable

yurning for tears

dry docks are all i have, thinking of years past.

there is something

there is someone

who taught me, guided me

through a time of endless joy, learning.

trees will blow and clouds will grow dark
summer winds cool against the soggy air
and memories begin to fade along with the winds to the east.
and i dont want to lose them.

its another night of reflection. i have kept these at bay for so long by keeping myself distracted in my spare time, especially late at night when it hits the hardest; tonight though, i just couldnt fight this off. there is something deep inside of me that burns, that screams for more freedom. a spirit that yurns to be let loose from my lips, a spirit that wants to be free to do what it wants whenever it wants.

i dont really want to talk about it...most of the time.

ive have been drowning this like a hopeless man buries his sorrow while spending all his time and money sitting at the bar, just a few feet from the tender, in arms reach for another drink. anything to wash it down and away, as much as it takes. honestly i dont know where this started for me. i have been keeping my mind busy, my heart silent, and my soul speechless...for what? that seems to be the question i cant answer.

break free

break free

has no one recognized me in this state?

..........................................................................

there is a peace in my soul, a quiet

my desperate dreams of my true love

the king calls, and im glad to still be with the trash society throws out. to be around the nomads, the sick, poor, and the loving. to know that my heart still beats for reconciliation, for peace, for unity. the humility and grace of knowing that i am not perfect, and that it is perfect in my imperfection.

i'll save my life for something good. i am is coming after me tonight. i am is coming after you tonight.

yeshua, oh dear yeshua.
your kingdom reigns, even when it seems vague, it reigns.

those of us, us who live to find freedom, let us talk again. let us come together and breathe. im serious, you know who you are. many late nights that were spent over coffee while the smoke filled the air and worship filled our lips and hearts...

time will not always be here. i love you because.

the management. (MGMT)

2008-12-15T04:13:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnXRfhIDLtA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJXar_27tWQ

2008-12-12T21:25:00.001-08:00

2008-11-27T20:05:00.001-08:00

FREEDOM

Ah, Nov. 4th is finally here......

2008-11-04T03:52:00.000-08:00

Election day is here again, people. now, whether you are a voter or not; whether you are republican or democrat, we all have a common circumstance today -things are going to change no matter who gets in office. im sure alot of you have asked yourself "as a christ follower, how do i vote? do i vote? who do i vote for?". this year i have been really torn with this campaigning. i have seen christian friends turn on eachother like rabid pitbulls in a dogfighting ring over the candidates. but honestly i dont think either one of these guys are truly godly men. i just havent seen the figure of christ in either one and it is scary, it tells me that we truly live in an imperialistic nation - THIS IS NOT OLD TESTAMENT ISREAL, completely backed by god himself. where are the king davids? where are the king solomons?

ive come to one conclusion this november, prayer. i am going to pray that nomatter who gets elected, god will be in office to lead a country who is dirty, needs correction, and direction. now you anarchists that are reading this, dont get so hyped up because im not bashing the nation, im dreaming for it. and you patriots, dont be so offended by someone asking for more, asking for a better country. THAT is america, we have been full of revolutionaries and people asking what next. im just hoping that this year, if we are going to claim to be a godly nation, we ALL start doing are part to act a little more like it. we have a nation full of atheists, muslims, "christians", and capitalists. lets make this year about christ, not about a king for our nation. im ready to show the people who is king in the kingdom i belong to.

lord, give us strength and mercy...

2008-10-24T04:12:00.000-07:00

It is not going to be easy to listen to God's call. Your insecurity, your self-doubt, and your great need for affirmation make you lose trust in your inner voice and run away from yourself. but you know that God speaks to you through your inner voice and that you will find joy and peace only if you follow it.

Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice Of Love

youve got the perfect disguise and you are looking okay.

2008-10-23T03:57:00.000-07:00

what does it mean to "fit" in? what does it mean to be a friend? i wish i honestly knew the answers to these. i have been a part of the cursed generation to grow up with "fake" friendships that happen to be on television. we have grown up watching tv shows and actually taking these characters in as our friends. they are convenient too, they are only there when you want them to be. relationships on tv always seem to be either perfect or completely dramatic.

listen, for twenty four years, TWENTY FOUR YEARS i have not yet found any stable friendships. they have just come and go, one after another. a few weeks ago i drummed this off as 'the way life is', and that may be true, but that doesnt mean i accept it. i will continue to fight against it. in hopes of breaking it, i will keep investing time and interest.

in the mean time, i will begin to search for truth againt, in hopes of bringing more peace to not only myself, but the world around me.

*sigh*

the sun has not yet risen, i will ask it to wait.

untitled

2008-10-22T04:10:00.000-07:00

there has been these distinct moments in my life when i get this overwhelming sense of not fitting in anymore with the situations around me. it is this feeling of being disconnected, homeless, completely opposite from everyone else i am around. usually when this happens my life shifts very drastically and i begin to move in a complete different direction than the one i have been before. i really hope this isnt the case, but i cant fight the feeling of everything turning away. I FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM EVERYTHING. the church doesnt even feel like home anymore, because the community is gone. i dont have any close friends anymore, the ones that have been the closest for the past year usually sit around and get drunk whenever they can. nobody wants to live anymore is what it feels like, i dont know, maybe it is me.

without books i become a hermit.

2008-10-06T04:25:00.000-07:00

i have been reading alot of boks in the past few years. some books i have finished, some i have not, some i am reading for the second or third time. some books have been good and i have shared them with others, some have been boring and i dcided to burn them for the sake of staying warm. either way, books are books, and most of the time i hate them. i hate them because they take alot of time and energy to maintain deep into the story line. there is nothing worse than continueing to read a book that i have either been offended by or something that seems boring, and doing it just to do the right thing and finish it. so what do i do with these books that i loved at one point, while now i am realizing that the message coming from these books isnt positive, isnt spiritual? my wife tells me to use them as kindling, she says she will help me find more books. that is a relief to me, i want nothing more than to rip out the bindings and tear the glue, watch the pages be scattered in the wind, naked and pointless without the rest of the book. that would be amazingling satisfying to me, but i cant do it yet. it would be too easy, and i am hoping that one day jesus will be glad that i atleast tried. i mean, what else are we living for but him? who else?

the rising tide

2008-10-02T04:34:00.000-07:00

“And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."

i really hope he meant it...

longer i lay here

2008-09-29T03:24:00.000-07:00

currently listening to: "dosed" by red hot chili peppers

i knew this time would come again, where i really needed to ask myself some serious questions, where i needed to stop being on cruise control, and diligently seek the path that god has intended me to walk. my friend, my pastor, came by this weekend wanting to run some things by me. honestly i knew he wasnt coming just to talk about the new layout for the leadership team meetings, it always goes deeper with us. i realized through the conversation that i was still holding onto some fears that i picked up a few summers ago through an internship that was anything but safe for maturing christians who were rising into leadership. i lost alot of confedence, alot of selfworth, and blew my first chance to preach a message at my own home church. we talked for a while and i admitted that i have spiritualy put alot of things up on the shelf, for one reason or another. i still have my faith, and still love god, and seek him, but not like i used to.

so here is a beginning, a new season full of some house cleaning. im going to begin to take some things down and dust the shelves. revisit some old feelings and bring some healing to some wounds that have been covered up again. i have this stomach aching feeling that this is going to be alot harder than i think, but i do have good friends and a lovely wife who will help me through this. and a god who i feel want nothing more from me right now, besides this....

i feel as though this morning has brought alot of insight and freedom for me. lord be with me...

I am still...

2008-09-25T03:12:00.000-07:00

...a peregrine entity in a sweater poorly knit.

peregrine.
1. foreign; alien; coming from abroad.
2. wandering, traveling, or migrating.

another year has passed and i am now 24 years old from the day of my birth. alot of people ask "do you feel any different", and everyone knows that answer to this is ofcourse not. now kims parents have this tradition to ask "what is one thing you have learned this year", and as jinky as i thought that was at first, it has made me think. i know this question will be asked of me if just a few hours when we all have dinner, and i dont know what to say. as much as i strive for attention at times, i hate this kind of attention. i just want to say "Oh please don't barrage me with the questions to all those lovely answers, my ego is like my stomach, it keeps shitting what i feed it".
so yes, i do have a problem with accepting love from other people. here is how it is, either i cant fully accept your love, or you have done something to me that has angered me - so i am upset with you.
these are just a few things i have learned this year, my sweater is poorly knit and i am learning to wear it proudly.

my life is, and always has been.....
..messy.

but here is the thing, god likes messy. which is why i like being messy, unkept, wearing a sweater full of holes and stitching that doesnt match. the patterns on my sweater show the imperfections of my desperate hands to try and knit this thing( i had no idea what i was doing).

so here is another year past, and for some reason i feel depressed. i have lived a long and hard life in 24 years. i have lost friends, been in trouble with the law, been homless, turned my back on family, had years of drug abuse, had years of relationships, been built up, been left for dead, died, and ofcourse- been resurrected.... all in 24 YEARS. and what have i gained, what have i lost? "what have i learned this year?"

i
dont
know

There's a lot that I don't know,
there's a lot that I'm still learning.
When I think I'm letting go, I find my body,
it's still burning. AND YOU HOLD ME DOWN.
You've got me living in the past,
Come on and pick me up, somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

Yeah I'm alive.
And I don't need a witness to know that I'll survive.
I'm not looking for forgiveness, yeah I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

(fork and knife)

2008-09-24T04:42:00.000-07:00

We're take it easy, tigers in a cage,
Pacing on our pads, and waiting,
For the time to come in reverie.
Our lazy bones ache for our dowry.

Can’t hold on to the thrill.
So I hope you find your will to follow through.
What we invented, I am now ending.
Hold on to who you love.
We are tryin’ to blow like dust since we were young.
What we invented, I am now ending.

The closest thing we had to royalty,
A chance to break our parents’ pattern.
You chose to keep your teenage tragedy,
In lieu of their romantic palace.
Play tender like a new born baby would.
Play tender till the night is over.
I’m leaving you to nurture cherished wounds,
And care for it just like your lover, yeah.

What we invented, I am now ending.

Can’t hold on to the thrill.
So I hope you find your will to follow through.
The morning's over, the day is in full swing.

I know you're busy,
But please won't you come visit me?
You are an aimless ghost;
You haunt your bag of bones.
The wolf messed with your vision.
He is sitting in your kitchen
While you sleep tonight.
He will eat *your* young,
And you will act surprised.

Can’t hold on to the thrill.
So I hope you find your will to follow through.
What we invented, I am now ending.
Hold on to who you love.
We are tryin’ to blow like dust since we were young.
What we invented, I am now ending.

The morning's over, the day is in full swing.

sanctuary

2008-09-23T04:19:00.000-07:00

for the past few months, while i have slept, i have had one of three things happen.

1. i would have a dream that was like an "alice in wonderland" moment, and it wouldnt make much sense.

2. i wouldnt dream at all.

3. i would have this dream where i had made different decisions in my past and had to live with the consequences, whether i liked it or not.

so last night i had a dream that took place before i married kim. kim and i were engaged, but i was beginning to choose a different road for myself. i think that my girlfriend from highschool was in it and tempting me to follow her instead. im not quite sure what all happened. i know that people were angry with me, telling me that i was making bad choices. i remember my life feeling empty, and having this void. i felt myself becoming more and more less of myself, turning into something i havent been for years. i dont know if the kim in my dream had any idea what was going on with my temptaions, but it didnt matter, i felt horrible.

so when i woke up, i said thanks to god that that was only a dream. see, i wouldnt want to trade my wife for anything that this world can give me. i have finally found my sanctuary, and it is living in the tension of our bond, it is our marriage. dont let people fool you, marriage really is the best thing in the world. i wish i would have done it sooner.

peace

2008-09-21T05:22:00.001-07:00

"my ego is like my stomach, it keeps shitting what i feed it."

2008-09-19T11:15:00.000-07:00

is there no hope?

2008-09-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

currently watching: "where in the world is osama bin laden"

currently listening to: "sleazy wednesday" by jack's mannequin

so i just watched this movie, all i can say... is there any hope? the only hope i can see fixing this worldly mess is God. so please God, do something....?

Jesus Christ

2008-09-12T04:01:00.000-07:00

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face

The kind you'd find on someone I could save

If they don't put me away

Well, it'll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out

That everything good is happening somewhere else?But with nobody in your bed

The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone

And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well Jesus Christ, I'm alone again

So what did you do those three days you were dead?Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,

I'm a little bit scared of what comes after

Do I get the gold chariot?

Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?

Cause my pride is too sly to hold back all my dark

And the ship went down in sight of land

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you'll come in the night like a thief

But I've had some time alone to hold my lies inside me

I know you think that I'm someone you can trust

But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think that we could work out a sign

So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you'll come for the people like me

But we all got wood and nails

Tongue tied to a hating factory

the crowing

2008-09-09T03:51:00.000-07:00

it seems like lately i have heard alot of crowing. i have heard people complaining about their lives, circumstances, or god. i REALLY have to be honest here. THIS frustrates me, and i dont know why. it seems like i am living in an age of decay, just watching everyone gimp around like their bodies were falling apart. there is nothing i hate more than to see people i love do things that are destructive to themselves.

i know the father didnt bless me as a motivational speaker.

i dont know how to be a bold lover.

i am either bold.

or i am a lover.

IM still learning.

but i am tired of everyone depressing themselves and thinking this is the end. have you forgotten the finish line? have you forgotten the messiah? the man brought freedom, real freedom. not this half ass freedom bullshit that you have been believing for a few years. real 'im setting you free from anything but me' freedom.

no wait.

sont just write me off here. LISTEN to me. i DO know what i am talking about. from the year 2003 - 2005, i was thrown through more shit than anyone should ever. 2003 was the end of many relationships in my life due to either alchohol abuse or economical judgement. i lost my friends from highschool because they were taught that i wasnt good enough since i was a different economical status then them, my mother was a drunk, and i had lost all hope. i graduated in 03 and moved into a house with a few guys and started partying. got into pot and lots of liquer, and played hard. i soon moved on to cocaine, ecstacy, prescription pills, women -just to dull the pain of the shit. i whored myself out for two years to women and any drugs i could get my hands on, anything to fuck me up just long enough to forget. then i got evicted, i got evicted TWICE. once by my own brother who didnt know how to help me. i lost my job, my money; i had nothing but the clothes on my back, my car, and my drugs. i lived in a hotel till i had no more money, then lived in my car for a few months until a friend offered me a couch. through strange circumstances i ended up with this guy i never met. THEN god started working in my life. after countless drugs, women, being arrested, homlessness, worthlessness. i was alone, broken, i had nothing left.

i was in the deepest depression for years where i had to have chemicals in my body 24/7. if you know me now, you would be amazed by the people i was around in those days. you would be in awe of the crack houses i was in to score some "anti depressant", the many times i ran into the cops, the shit i would steal.....it was bad.

but i wouldnt take any of it all back. because now you and i are saved. we are there, and we are here. we have NO reason to feel anything but joy today, tomorrow, and the next day. i think of you and i feel like you are losing direction. i pray that is not the case at all.

2008-09-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

I used to walk along the opposite side of the road and made others get out of my way

I used to think I could sit and wait for the times but they wont come until I meet them halfway

I'm halfway home and I'm on my own

I'm halfway there and I don't care, I don't mind

I plan to leave here after supper time that's when traffic is light, all I need is a sign

and I'll be alright. I'll be fine

I used to think that i could just sleep and then I'd dream

And everything it would come to me

Until I woke one day without anything to eat

Lying on the opposite side of the street

I'm halfway home and I'm still out on my own

I'm halfway there and I don't care, I don't mind

Because it ain't my time to stay or say I'll never lay down.

I used to think that I could just sit and wait for the time

But I know I gotta meet them halfway

I'm halfway home I tried home running with the flow

I'm halfway there. Ain't it funny how everybody seems to care

I planned to get there around supper time their serving up bread and wine

All I needed was a sign and I'll be allright.I'll be fine.

(It seems to be a running theme about being fine and allright but I don't mind.)

infection

2008-09-05T07:02:00.000-07:00

it seems like it has come, the end is upon us. the dead walk the earth, the infection is among us. these walking zombies are still trying to figure out the 'why'. they seem to still be able to weep, laugh, and immitate love. they hold steady jobs, they socialize, they even pretend to have emotions. maybe i am wrong on the pretending. maybe they can still feel emotions, or even a sense of duty. this has never been disproven in anyway.

this is a sad time because we were once such a prosperous people. we had freedom, grace, and love.

then...

...something...

...went wrong.

was it a mass suicide, genocide, or natural disaster? i cant really recall. all i remember is the slow decay (transition) from sense to sensless. all of a sudden everyone around me was dead. see, the thing about the living dead is that there is no hope. i still have yet to come into contact with a "walker" who has some sense of what hope (or even faith) seems to be. i do have to mention on how astonished i am though on how much these walkers try to fool others and themselves that they are alive. they are trying to deny the fact that they are decomposing bit by bit everyday, inside and out. first it is just a skin discoloration, then soon limbs are falling off, then the insides just begin to melt together. believe it or not, there are some zombies who are actually beginnning to realize the state that they are in, and have begun to figure out ways to destroy themselves. how can you kill something that is already dead? there are even some that are searching for a cure, but with the state they are in, it is not something tangible. they are limited by the decomp of the body. but the ones trying to change back into living creatures is minimal to the ones who try to ignore it, hoping it will go away.

i believe there is hope though. a cure may exist. i believe the cure has to be administered by your own self. a realization of a soul, being true to your soul, realizing that things are bigger than you. YHWH is lord, and the cure lies with him, in a state where his true meanings are visible. selfishness, impatience, and stupidity taint the cure.

i pray that those who i have been around will hear of this cure. i would hate to see them in more pain,

them infecting others, and damning their souls.

2008

2008-09-02T03:34:00.000-07:00

years have bad months, months have bad weeks, and ofcourse bad weeks have bad days. but it hasnt been this way this year. it seems to me that this year has just hit everyone with a fuck show sneak attack ninja your brain type blow. there has been so many good things happen this year though, so i dont get it.

people have gotten married, bought houses. but on the flip side i have heard of so many people also either being in critical care in the hospital, or dying.

last night i got news that a friends dad died yesterday. i was shocked, speechless. i didnt know what to say. i havent been close to this guy for a little over a year as i lost a few friends over a relationship. i got the news around 1 am last night and couldnt get back to sleep. i started thinking about how he reacted when he got the phone call, wondering if anyone was around when it happened, hoping he had someone there to hold him up. i wondered if this death was accidental or not seeing that his parents just got divorced a few months ago. i pictured him driving to families house, and them all sitting around in shock. and i found myself praying for this friend. words were not being formed in my mind, or on my lips, but my soul seemed to be communicating with home base in a way that i havent experienced in so long that i forgot what it felt like, to ride the waves of meditation, the slopes of prayer.i felt god telling me that he was in control with this situation, that he knew what he was doing. i then wondered why i could pray for my friend but not my own mother who was in a coma in the hospital. (i dont know what to do with this)

even though i dont see this friend very much, i hope that this situation doesnt change him for the worse. he is a caring guy, funny, smart, and hopeful. i would hate this to grab ahold of him in a negative way and change these great things about him. even though our friendship has fallen out because of circumstance, he has always been curteous to me and my wife. we have agreed that we would do anything for him, but we obviously cant do anything to help this, but we are grieving, and we are praying.

Lord, you are there in life and death. as much as we try, we cant understand either life or death. but help us to understand you more. there is much grieving, much yearning, fill it for us.

2008-08-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

I wake alone, in a woman's room I hardly know.
I wake alone- and pretend that I am finally home.
The room is littered with her books and notebooks.
I imagine what they say, like, 'Shoo fly, don't bother me,'

And I can hardly get myself out of her bed.

for fear of never lying in this bed again.

Oh Christ, I'm not that desperate. oh no- oh God- I am.

How'd I end up here to begin with? I don't know.
Why do I start what I can't finish?

Oh please, don't barrage me with questions to all those ugly answers.

My ego's like my stomach- it keeps shitting what I feed it.

But maybe I don't want to finish anything anymore..
maybe I can wait in bed 'til she comes home.
and whispers.

"you're in my web now - I've come to wrap you up tight 'til it's time to bite down."

I wake alone in a woman's room I hardly know.
I wake alone - and pretend that I am finally home.

2008-08-29T21:49:00.000-07:00

currently listening to "the recluse" by cursive...

and wondering why friends recently seem to be as steady as the wind. it fuckin sucks, just so you know.

2008-08-27T18:42:00.001-07:00

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss

2008-08-26T04:02:00.000-07:00

Oh Christ, I'm not that desperate. oh no- oh God- I am.

Mother

2008-08-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

*clink*

here is to you, my mother. i have heard so much about your past, i have spent maybe 45% of my life in your presence - i fuse the two to try and figure out who you are. ive heard horrible stories about you, ive heard how you are manipulative. but when it came down to just me and you, it was different. you were so sweet to me. sometimes you were too sweet to me. you wrecked your life time and time again, and this time it looks like the last. i have come to see you as a victim, no longer a suspect. you are a victim to a messed up life with no direction, but congrats, you have made it this far on your own. yet the place you are heading, the road life is leading you on this very instant, cannot be taken alone. you have to choose, light or dark? i pray that you are full of light. i dont want you to die, mother. i want you to live, truly live. but i would be lying if i told you that i hadn't given up hope. because i think i have. i promise though that i am trying to hold on to a little shred of hope...and faith. yahweh is such a merciful god, a loving god. part of me believes that if you dont make it through this, that i will see you again some day in a place where you dont have to put up with all the bullshit of life anymore.

i love you
hang in there

this is a toast to you.

*clink*

2008-08-24T04:48:00.000-07:00

currently listening to : "3rd planet" by modest mouse

do YOU ever stop and think about the 'why'?

'why this' and 'why that' slowly creep up into my mindset

whenever i begin to think about some circumstance.

95% of the time this get me into trouble

since i seem to be wired with a negative outlook on perception.

what this means is that i tend to speculate

i tend to try and figure too many things out

i tend to make hypothetical conclusions

and live as if those are true.

sometimes i want a break from myself.

i know everyone says that.

i just want to hit the reset button

i know everyone says that.

but that is not the end of this post.

there needs to be room for god to get the credit he deserves

because he has been chipping away the ice and stone

bringing on a new season

a season of renewal.

oh, i cant wait.

mere something

2008-08-20T04:08:00.000-07:00

it has been a while since i wrote on here, except for transferring my old journal entries to the technological side of the future. i have been a bit busy with journaling in the old sense again with the ol' pen and paper.
anyways, this week i thought alot about everything but my own self. sunday night kimberly went into the ER at community hospital because her stomach hurt and she was vommiting. they ran blood, urine, even a pelvic exam...nothing. half way into our visit she gets a CT scan, and we wait. we wait for her results as we watch the olympics on the miny tv inside the room. by the time we got the results, we had been there for 5 hours. kidney stones, them little bastard kidney stones.
on the drive home kim mentioned how a part of her wishes she was pregnant. me too kim, me too.

from beginning to end. part 19 9/08

2008-08-12T03:59:00.000-07:00

sing glory- living in the church. part 5

savage

as i sit beneath this tree, i think and reflect on the emery
yet it seems so real, but it's all a haze.
all the years that i wasted not growing older
drive me wild. and you were always there.
if not present then in spirit
being best of friends
treating me like a brother.
sister of my heart, you mean so much
you are younger
but you always held my up.
longer than i can remember
it was you, keeping a good head on your shoulders.
my words fall short but my thankfulness does not.

From beginning to end. pt 18 09/08

2008-08-12T03:46:00.000-07:00

sing glory- living in the church part 4

in this darkness i confess

that my silent phone is beginning to bring me down

its lack of love and your silent vioce lingers in my head

while i begin to see you with another guy

your dark hair, bright eyes, lying lips

pressed against his while i sit here waiting

yet not caring enough to feel anymore pain

or shedding a tear, all because i know

i dont have to, if i dont want to

i dont feel anything at all

and if december comes early, just know

that i am always late

just like your birthday, your stage plays

and your love

where is the power of pain

if you just numb yourself to the feeling of anything

it is just something else

to bitch and moan and complain about

just like i always do

just like you always do

now that you know what you know

do you really think i can feel anything

any emotion, any reasoning, and lack there of

so should you believe me

when i tell you

that all i can think about is how much you love you.

From beginning to end. pt 17 8/05

2008-08-12T03:37:00.000-07:00

sing glory- living in the church. part 3

"april 18, 2001"

this is more than i bargained for, and i'd love to tell you
just how much i love to hate you and that pretty face
for years i was in a fake ideal contentiveness
and it's you who ruined it, freed me from it
all i was and will be - another notch in the bedpost
the way you talk, walk, look, and grind was so appealing
you were like satan in disguise
you come so easy, so keep quiet
you will be my best kept secret biggest mistake
oh how i love to hate you and that fake face
all i want for you is what you did to me
i hope this memory returns the favor
and it chokes you out
bury yourself with everyone else around you.

From beginning to end. pt 16 8/05

2008-08-12T03:29:00.000-07:00

sing glory- living in the church. part 2

still so many things pass through my mind.

not again, tonight, i am alone, not again.

i made a fool of myself infront of you, to you

not again, so many regret words, not again.

are your words truth, or just full of lies?

not again, you want another, not again

say it again, show me with your actions

just dont give up on what you believe in

and i'll try not to be mad that you

again, that you and me arent together

for you are not so usual, rather

it's you who is always on my mind.

not again, it's someone else on your mind, not again

you are a natural, ya know, its not fair

its not fair for me, not again

to have love you need to be love. understand?

my mind fails to understand, again.

From beginning to end. pt 15 8/05

2008-08-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

sing glory- living in the church. part 1

'these words i write are false, but they show so much truth. damn my words.'

another lonely thought that i write down for you

words in my heart just wont escape

and i miss your precious whispers as you speak to me

wish that you were here today

every good song on the radio

begins to put you in my head

and how i'd rather hear you singing it back to me

cant forget your lovely voice

can i say that you are amazing?

can i ask you to please stay?

tell me that everything will be ok

even when i know its not

tell me that im your promise

even though it's not quite that way

sometimes i feel like its supposed to be my future

even though i have no control over that

and i just need to learn to let it go

begin to lose my control over everything

cuz now i just dont know

if this is what its meant to be

and if you stumble onto something better

i dont want to play the fool in this damn game

you know i'd only be fooling myself

cant say that i dont care

cant say i dont want this

can i ask what the hell is going on?

i was told that everything was alright

yet i dont hear it from you

now i have a different promise

and it's not even quite the same

now i know what's supposed to be my future

with or without you

and it is nothing like my past

you could take this all the wrong way

and you can hate me after

i know it may hurt, it was supposed to

but it makes it oh so wonderful

cant you see the irony?

so show mewhat you think you know

and tell me how it's meant to be

try to figure out what this is all about

if it comes to you one day

just understand

without this realization

we would only be fooling ourselves.

From beginning to end. pt 14. 5/05

2008-08-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus. part 14

lord, please help me to trust you. i am trying to trust you with everything instead of making the world out to what i want it to be. thank you for this great weekend me and jesse spent up north at ben's parents house in angola. it felt great just to get away and relax. thank you for everything, even the things i dont recognize as blessings just yet.

From beginning to end. pt 13 3/05

2008-08-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus. part 13

im still haveing a bad night, why? i dont know. i feel like crying but i dont think i remember how. i just push it down because that's what i am used to. im sick of living with guilt and fear, and i wish there was someone i could talk to. someone who would TRY to understand. someone who actually wants to truly help. that is what i need...help.
lord please send me someone. one that i can open up to. goodnight

From beginning to end. pt 12. 3/05

2008-08-11T19:17:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus. part 12

"across the night, it was the moon that stole my slumber..."

i hate tuesdays. actually just THIS tuesday. today has been a bad day. i have had alot on my mind and i dont really want to talk about it, so i wont.

i tried calling krystal today to see how she is doing, but her phone was disconnected. last time i saw her, it wasnt good...she wasnt good...
today i am a dick, and i just want to close my eyes and fall asleep. then i would wake up tomorrow with tuesday behind me, and get back to normal.

dear lord, you are great in all that you do, and you stay true to your word. i love you for being such a wonderful god, even though i feel like shit.

"save yourself because you are dying slowly. say goodnight before you ever say goodbye."

"watch me drill holes in my head

watch as the world pushes forward

running like insects from god

you are seconds away from redemption."

From beginnig to end. pt 11 2/05

2008-08-11T03:26:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus. part 11

'im the wanderer looking for my long lost soul, well ive only got one place to go...'

today was definately a "blue" monday. but it was a good one. one that really hits the spot and makes you really think about life. lord, you are good and merciful. you are loving and almighty. thank you for all the mercy, love, and kindness. you are a gracious creator. thank you for loving us. that is the best gift of all, your love.

From beginning to end. pt 10. 1/05

2008-08-11T03:18:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus. part 10

and i feel like moving on, and i feel like getting on with life. to feel the presence of the sun on my face. each day i am swimming through malasis.

Lord please help me to step forward, not backward. i want to be strong again. loved again. admired. is your will for me to move to angola this summer? what IS your will for my life? please strengthen me and help me. you are the only one who can fix this mess i have created. i just dont know what to believe anymore please lord, help my life. help me to be happy and satisfied with this life. help me to be a great guy. i want to be strength and support for people. i feel like i cant do this until my life is straightened out. please bless me as well as the True family. thank you for being a great god.

From beginning to end. pt 9 1/05

2008-08-11T03:07:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus. pt 9

if i met myself would i like what i saw?

today is january 31st, 2005. what a great year so far. i have lostof writing as well as my concentration on living a righteous life. lately i have done alot of bad things, ALOT. im sorry lord, because i am a sinner. i am lost and i dont know how to change. i must learn to discipline myself and walk in holy footsteps as daniel did. amanda has been hanging out with me since new years eve. she has really grown and matured in the past year.she ia a great girl and a great friend. i really hope and pray for the bestfor her future. she is a wonderful girl, please watch over her.
i talked to bethany today and she father's step mom may not make it through the night. please be with the relatives lord. help them find their strength and trust in you.

im praying that this may be the break in my life that i have been praying fior. praise and glory be to you lord, i love you.

From beginning to end. pt 8 12/04

2008-08-09T22:06:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus. part 8

two weeks until xmas. i am hoping it will be a good one. i am going up north to spend the holidays with the True family. i really love that family. ben's mom is great. i enjoyed staying up late with her to watch our 'first snow' of the season. this weekend we got some "50's" (weed) and went tobbaganning. what an amazing and free feeling. it reminded me that i need to get back into some outdoor sports.
i will go snowboarding this year.

dear god, please help everyones holidays to be great and protect everyone as they travel. please bless my mother this holiday (and let her eyes and ears open up), and bless my dad's christmas. thank you for sending your son to love us, teach us, complete us, be our savior and friend. glory be to his name. amen.

From beginning to end. pt 7 12/04

2008-08-09T21:58:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus. part 7

today is november, um... i mean december 4th. 2004 is almost over and i cant stop thinking about how vile the world is actually becoming. each year it gets worse. how long till we are another sodom & gamora?

i really wish i read my bible more often, as well as my devotional book that i have been waiting to dive into.i feel as though i need to sacrifice other things that take up my time.

everything is going pretty good at the moment. i began working with a guy named tom so i am bringing in around $300 a week, which is better. in february, dad wants to send me off to georgia to get certified for installation. my life may actually begin to fall together, which i have been dying for. i dont have one question though...

am i afraid of my future?

i dont know.

From beginning to end. pt 6. 11/04

2008-08-09T05:20:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus. part 6

thursday! hm...thursday. what a day! ben colored his hair a fusia color(that's my roommate), he is a crazy dude. so anyway, here i am trying to stop looking forward to the future. i am really happy with my life right now. the only thing i am missing is someone to be mine. i would like a christian girl who likes to smoke pot, or atleast doesnt mind it.

i am not starting with you but the faint of heart.

did somebody take your tongue?

when the worries are the words that you couldnt say

if you could have saved them from...

but i dont want to sleep without

so i bid to you

goodnight

tonight

sleep tight my love.

ive been given a new goal for my life, and that is to witness because god is coming and i need to let those who dont know him have a chance to live the way i do. in christ jesus.

i heard you were unhappy too.

misleading voice in a relationship that makes no sense

over and out connecticut.

From beginning to end. pt 5 11/04

2008-08-08T04:14:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus pt 5

there are 3 evils i cant escape
they cannot be outrun
watch your back
for they are always there

what did i do to deserve?

come what may.

from beginning to end. pt 4. 11/04

2008-08-08T04:08:00.001-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus part 4

"man your battlestations." that's what i seem to be struggling with at the moment. i dont protect myself from sin or sinful temptations. i know it has been a while since i have written, and im sorry. i guess lately i have been grwoing and changing into a better and more mature adult. you have blessed me and helped me throughoutthis week. every temptation came my way, but you were there helping me handle everyone.
you did it, and i thank you. i love you lord and will praise you for what you did. you gave me strength and determination. i shout to you lord, in the highest heaven to say that you asre not only merciful but loving and true. please help me to be more like you. your time is coming lord, please help me to remember that and be the best i can be. amen.

"i overheard that you were unhappy too"

from beginning to end. pt3. 11/04

2008-08-08T04:02:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus chronicles part 3

its been a few days since i have written anything, the last few days have been strange ones.

i know it has been a while lord. my mind was troubling me, and i need to learn to trust you when i feel that way. please motivate me lord. help me to run aftermy goals. you are the only one who can give me the strength and motivation i need.

my uncle died. please help bills family and i pray that his soul was right with you before he died. and let it be a testimony to those who dont know you.

From beginning to end. pt.2 10/04

2008-08-08T03:54:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus chronicles part2

tonight i feel different, open minded and clear. i feel as though i am becoming the one i wanted to see (i just hope it stays with me). although i really want to persue a relationship, i dont really care about that at the moment. i have been working my balls off with that and its time to give it a break. either i am getting tired of the chase, or i am learning to trust god and not lean on my own understanding.
i need to be strong and realize that i still need to be my own person.all i want is to regain my own life again. i can feel it coming around, but still far away.

tonight there was a lunar eclipse.

fuck (females)

From beginning to end. pt1 9/2004

2008-08-08T03:25:00.000-07:00

music, weed, and finding jesus chronicles part 1.

so here i am, once again resorting to writing. 'theres a pain in my stomach from another sleepless binge, and i struggle to get myself up again. i want to hang on to something that wont break away or fall apart, like the pieces of my heart.'
im not writing now just to get my feelings out, but to give praise to you my lord. for everything you have done for me lately. i have turned my back on alot of things lately, even though i have tried to be the christian you want me to be (i have been doing better).
you know what i need & what i long for. i understand the difference between the two... but please dear god, if it be your will, bring me into a relationship. someone who drives me to be a better person, who proclaims your name in all they do. i love you lord, but i am weak. i am weak to the point to where i cannot control my life, PLEASE HELP ME!! im tired of screwing up, i want to be someone of worth...please bring me back to that guy.
'i love you lord, and i lift my voice, to worship you'. you ARE changing me, but please help my strength, i beg of you god.

say goodbye

2008-08-05T04:01:00.001-07:00

i hate it when you have put so much time and effort into a person, two people, a few.....
and they just throw it away. like my time was trash, like they didnt need my effort. both people are vampires. one feeds off of human attention and sympathy, the other feeds off of this pride for being able to 'help' people.

they are perfect for eachother.

perfect like gasoline and fire, they spark on eachother.

the worst comes out in eachother

when they are together.

they destroy everything they touch.

we have tried so hard, maybe not hard enough. and it hurts inside to be beat on by these people, but i could never approach them anymore, because they have fallen too far. soon, it will be like a virus leaving the body....

2008-08-01T04:15:00.001-07:00

i no longer make excuses for it, i give it to you. do with it what you like....

misconceptions

2008-07-29T03:57:00.000-07:00

finding pleasure in the simple again is my key to happiness.

for a while i have felt discontented, and not known why.

yesterday there was a moment when i felt wonderfully happy,

and i wonder why i hold myself back from it.

things are great,

and i have to learn again how to be content with the simple.

yet it feels so hard.

2008-07-22T14:22:00.000-07:00

There's a little red bridge with the view of the sun

With a lake,

I recommend such a setting sight

And the thousands of stars, come out thousands of times

We can go, only if you believe.

Only if you believe.

2008-07-17T16:41:00.000-07:00

I believe in your purpose baby

Coming up to the surface and maybe

I'll never see you again

then again

who knows

Make me quiver

hands will shiver

Still got all the things that I wanna give her

but it's slow going

Something's showing

Love is a stream that will find it's own course

Making due is a thing a thing I will do no more

Whenever you come back

I'll be waiting

Trifling the slack no head gating

This is all pure fiction you know that's right

Just pure fiction

That's all right

I believe in your purpose baby

Coming up to the surface and maybe

I'll never see you again

then again

who knows

Make me quiver

hands will shiver

Still got all the things that I wanna give her

But it's slow going

through the looking glass....

2008-07-14T04:10:00.000-07:00

Consider this your fair warning.
There's no turning back now.
You're leaving your blanket of cleansed gospel
For the smut of vicious truth.
You won't need your own wool coat
Because out there the sun beats through.

So interlock your fingers with mine
And squeeze tight. Stay close behind.
We haven't much time

So I'll cut to the quick.
We'll burn the midnight oil.
The sun will peek into our windows
And be surprised to find empty beds,
Walls naked, our closets stripped
Of all its threads.

We will awake in a new world.
Our own island.
This floating mass.
A jagged slab.
Where bulbs burn for us until the end.

When dawn arrives
We'll be ten drinks deep.
If we can fight off turning horizontal,
We'll explore our new home
And find similarities at every turn.

No matter how far we go
It's all a fragment of a whole.
Even it all locks are keyed
Or calloused become our feet.

No matter how far we go
There's no escaping the glow.
We'll take our seats at the throne.

Wonderland is now our home.

i didnt say i was powerful, i said i was a wizard.

2008-07-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

You've got the
Perfect disguise and you're lookin' o.k.
From the bottom of the best of the worst, well what can I say
Cuz you cocked your head to shoot me down, down
And I don't give a damn about you or this town no more
No cuz I know the score
Need me to fall down, so you can climb up
Some fool ass ladder, well good luck
I hope, I hope there's something better up there
Cuz you cocked your head to shoot me down, down
And I don't give a damn about you or this town no more
No cuz I know the score
Well good luck believing every word that's said
I hope you have enough space in your head
I don't know, broke my back

it has been a few weeks since ive posted, mainly because i didnt know what to write. ive been wanting to write but didnt have something i felt "good enough" to post, but i realized that i didnt need some philosophical thing to say. there seems to be this lie about blogging (maybe not a lie, maybe just shallowness somewhere in truth) that you need something philosophical to say to make people want to read it. truth is, only 5 % of me cares if someone else is reading this. writing/blogging has been such a release for me. if you are reading this, thank you i guess and i apologize that your time coundnt be more entertained with correct grammar and good writing skills.
the last couple weeks, since i have been married, have been interesting. ive seen people making healthy decisions and good things happenning. for instance, a friend of mine got a job this week, which is amazing, and i am delighted about it sincerely even though i miss all the free time were we could hang out. work has been going great for the past week, seems like a vacation was just what i needed.
....................................................................................................................................................................

married.
what a concept. i still dont know what i think about it.

what i do know is this...

i have never wanted to be closer to my wife, than i do now. physically, mentally, and spiritually.
i have grown into a deeper love, more than i had ever imagined. i love her more than anything here on earth.
i realized that i can no longer do things on my own. im not meant to be independent anymore.
having arguments suck, but are self assuring, because you know the other person isnt leaving...ever.
a major priority of mine is this desire i have to make my wife happy, at every moment.
i finally feel as though i can forgive myself of past sins. they are no longer held over my head, there has been a jubilee.
i feel like i am beginning to understand God's love more each day, looking at how i feel for my wife.

I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl

Who's still around the morning after

We got married two weeks ago, and I grew up - I didn't know

I'd be around the morning after

It's always been wait and see

A happy day and then you'll pay

And feel like shit the morning after

But now I feel changed around

And instead of falling down

I'm standing up the morning after

Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later

I could be another fool or an exception to the rule

You tell me the morning after

Crooked spin can't come to rest

I'm damaged bad at best

She'll decide what she wants

I'll probably be the last to know

No one says it 'til it shows

See how it is, they want you or they don't

Say yes

I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl

Who's still around the morning after

2008-06-28T05:34:00.000-07:00

last night i had a feeling of being a little nostalgic, and a little meloncholy. i guess it has been a while since i have been out of my comfort zone. well, here i go, ..............getting married.

mr. mcfeely with a speedy delivery.

2008-06-24T04:26:00.001-07:00

countdown can be heard in the distant horizon, like a messenger rushing towards me on foot from a city across the kingdom. he is reciting his message as his feet flutter beneath him, so fast im dont think he is even touching the ground. and as i see the dust cloud from his swiftness approaching, i begin to find myself more and more anxious, nervous. hah, it's funny, because i already know what his message is, and it is a message that i have requested. i dont really understand the nerves or anxiety. but here he comes, im debating on whether being a going host when he arrives, or sicking the dogs on his ass as soon as he touches the lawn.

on another note, a friend came over last night, and even though we did nothing but play video games, it was still fun. halo can be lots of fun, but ryan, promise me that next time we will converse over drinks. whether it be coffee or pbr.

jesus is good, and confusing. im finding out each day that i dont know him as good as i thought, and not nearly as much as i can.

recently i have been addicted to commas, can you tell?

2008-06-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

is our joy our purpose?

or is our purpose our joy?

if hands have done it well we can soon see can't we?

2008-06-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

today started as a great day, it was friday and i was scheduled to get off work at noon. so i was feeling great today, until...

on my ride home traffic came to a fast hault, and people came running out of houses that surrounded the street. i turned my radio down for a moment to silence the talk shows, so i could hear the lady talking on the phone while sitting up on the porch of the house just a few feet from the curb. i listened intently but couldnt make out a word she was saying, then traffic started moving to the side of the road as an ambulance came rushing by. i thought "oh geez, a wreck, well it cant be bad since everyone stays around 30 mph on this stretch of road". but as the cars started to move i saw a shoe laying in the middle of the road. my heart skipped a beat. then as i became to see more of the open scene, i saw a bicycle completly mangle a few feet from the shoe. my heart literally stopped beating for a second. i felt this sorrow, just from seeing this bike, that i just wanted to start crying. this wasnt just a normal bike, it was a child's bike. i began to look around to find more evidence of what had happened when i saw the black pick up with a smashed front windshield a few yards ahead of the bike, with EMTs leaning down in the front of the truck wrapping bandages around something. i couldnt think, i couldnt speak, all i could say was "oh God". i have never witnessed something like that before and it was sheer terror to think about being involved in any way. i felt bad for the driver, i hurt for the kid, and just before they started directing traffic away, i wanted to cry for the mom as i saw her jump out of her car and run towards the child. i passed the car she jumped out of and saw two other boys in the back seat.as they were clinging onto the front seats, eyes like niagra falls, i could almost hear the horrible sound errupting the the pit of their stomachs as they were screaming.
this has just depressed me, and made me ask God to be with everyone who saw this.
he was just a kid.

trust...is already, but not yet

2008-06-19T17:24:00.000-07:00

i dont want my hands to cause

shackles to

clamp down on wrists

may God bless my work to be

the breaking of chains

and the raising of fist

the end...is already but not yet.

2008-06-18T19:34:00.000-07:00

A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell. C. S. Lewis

A man who is eating or lying with his wife or preparing to go to sleep in humility, thankfulness and temperance, is, by Christian standards, in an infinitely higher state than one who is listening to Bach or reading Plato in a state of pride. C. S. Lewis

A young man who wishes to remain a sound atheist cannot be too careful of his reading. C. S. Lewis

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives. C. S. Lewis

Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither. C. S. Lewis

An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason. C. S. Lewis

Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable. C. S. Lewis

Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important. C. S. Lewis

Courage is not simply one of the virtues but the form of every virtue at the testing point, which means at the point of highest reality. C. S. Lewis

Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point. C. S. Lewis

Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say "infinitely" when you mean "very"; otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite. C. S. Lewis

Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil. C. S. Lewis

Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities. C. S. Lewis

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. C. S. Lewis

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn. C. S. Lewis

Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement. C. S. Lewis

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. C. S. Lewis

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing. C. S. Lewis

Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind. C. S. Lewis

How incessant and great are the ills with which a prolonged old age is replete. C. S. Lewis

Humans are amphibians - half spirit and half animal. As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. C. S. Lewis

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. C. S. Lewis

I gave in, and admitted that God was God. C. S. Lewis

I sometimes wander whether all pleasures are not substitutes for joy. C. S. Lewis

If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning. C. S. Lewis

If we cut up beasts simply because they cannot prevent us and because we are backing our own side in the struggle for existence, it is only logical to cut up imbeciles, criminals, enemies, or capitalists for the same reasons. C. S. Lewis

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair. C. S. Lewis

If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this. C. S. Lewis

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. C. S. Lewis

It's so much easier to pray for a bore than to go and see one. C. S. Lewis

Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. C. S. Lewis

Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become. C. S. Lewis

Long before history began we men have got together apart from the women and done things. We had time. C. S. Lewis

Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see. C. S. Lewis

Miracles do not, in fact, break the laws of nature. C. S. Lewis

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. C. S. Lewis

Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. C. S. Lewis

Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. C. S. Lewis

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. C. S. Lewis

Reason is the natural order of truth; but imagination is the organ of meaning. C. S. Lewis

Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ. C. S. Lewis

Telling us to obey instinct is like telling us to obey 'people.' People say different things: so do instincts. Our instincts are at war... Each instinct, if you listen to it, will claim to be gratified at the expense of the rest. C. S. Lewis

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. C. S. Lewis

The long, dull, monotonous years of middle-aged prosperity or middle-aged adversity are excellent campaigning weather for the devil. C. S. Lewis

The real problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not. C. S. Lewis

The safest road to hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts. C. S. Lewis

The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles, but to irrigate deserts. C. S. Lewis

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way." C. S. Lewis

There is, hidden or flaunted, a sword between the sexes till an entire marriage reconciles them. C. S. Lewis

Thirty was so strange for me. I've really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult. C. S. Lewis

This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted. C. S. Lewis

We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. C. S. Lewis

We are what we believe we are. C. S. Lewis

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. C. S. Lewis

What we call Man's power over Nature turns out to be a power exercised by some men over other men with Nature as its instrument. C. S. Lewis

With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere. C. S. Lewis

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. C. S. Lewis

You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me. C. S. Lewis

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body. C. S. Lewis

the kingdom...is already but not yet.

2008-06-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

i got my wedding band today. 13 days till the wedding.

love...is already, but not yet

They're Outnumbered

2008-06-12T04:01:00.000-07:00

...........

Your hands outstretched to say,"Hello" to everyone.
Your fake smiles fill my mind with pointless dialogue.
And your grip it seems to give,whenever I'm in need.
You say you're right here to stay.
But you're no where to be seen.
"Your secrets safe with me."
But I hear differently.
If ever you're in need, don't come seeking me.
Change your heart,and we'll change our hearts.
We need love.
If you'd change your heart.
We'd change our hearts.
We need love.
We're slaves to our worst fears,if our secrets are revealed,
we'll sink deeper and deeper,and still you won't listen.
If you stood here in our shoes,you would say.
"We need love"
But face to face you'd say,"Lose your faith"
we need love
We need it!
........................
seriously, im happy, im joyeous, i just miss some people. i miss them so bad im dreaming about them. but we got to be children and play these stupid games that will lead us to our graves. if that is how you want it, i guess i have to go along with it....right? yes? no? i dont know.

life is already...but not yet.

2008-06-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

i want a fresh start

i want a new beginning

i want freedom

oh wait, i have all those? then why do i hear lies that tell me different.

freedom is already...but not yet.

situations

2008-06-09T03:56:00.000-07:00

Situation Number one

Its the one that's just begun

But evidently its too late

Situation Number two

Its the only chance for you

It's controlled by denizens of hate

Situation Number three

It's the one that no one sees

All too often dismissed as fate

Situation Number four

The one that left you wanting more

Tantalized you with its bait

2008-06-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

shame on you, shame on me

lord he took all that shame, pain, and set man free

and ive got that fire on the mountain, fire in my soul.

its been a long time coming, long time, and im ready to go

im stepping out the door, doing what feels right, following my lord through the darkest night

and when my path gets wider, ill folllow him
and when the world falls down, ill be with him

he said "sing it on the mountian, fight in the valley low"

he is my god and he will never let me go. everyone dancing,

and everyone will know that

peace

runs deep

deep in him.

it has come to my understanding that when i was just becoming a christian, i cared more deeply in my soul. i think that since i have labeled myself a "christian", things have changed. i think this is because of the way that the world has taught (or decieved) us to act as "believers".
i find it funny how we can point to others who dont follow the way and say "you are sinning!, right here in your life, you are sinning". but as christians, when we are sinning terribly we use the phrase "stuggling". ugh, i hate it. i hate how we have gotten so good at not emphasizing our own sin, and how we try to mask it. we make it seem less than what it really is by saying "i struggle with lying" or "i struggle with sexual addiction" when we should be saying "i sin terribly everyday at _____". (fill in the blank) i dont want to be a "christian" anymore by what it has been percieved by our nation, or world. i want to be a follower of the way. i love my god, and i love people. i dont want to be known as a follower because i wear the right clothes, say the right things, vote a certain way, have a certain theology, or that i attend church every week. all i want to be known as is a lover, a follower of christ jesus, the savior of the world.

it's called the lack of starvation

2008-06-08T05:34:00.000-07:00

it has become apparent to me that i have been feeding bad roots instead of starving them out.

im guilty for starving and neglecting something good, trading it in for shit.

ttttttell me all your lies.

i tell myself that "if only i can beat this". but there are times when im not sure if i want to beat it. there is something in me that confides in this sin. this sin is like medicine for when i feel bad.

i'll be here a while, aint going nowhere.

i just want to WANT to get past this. what happened to my heart?

i will see it through in time? possibly, not likely.

on a different note, i will be married in less than 20 days. im excited. im happy. i suggest everyone atleast think about doing it, it is an amazing feeling, and so freeing.

2008-06-06T04:27:00.000-07:00

I try to picture a girl
Through a looking glass
See her as a carbon atom
See her eyes and stare back at them
See that girl
As her own new world
Though a home is on the surface, she is still a universe
Glory God, oh God is peeking through the blinds
Are we all here standing naked
Taking guesses at the actual date and time
Oh my, justifying reasons why
Is an absolutely insane resolution to live by
Live high
Live mighty
Live righteously
Takin it easy
Live high, live mighty
Live righteously
Try to picture the man
To always have an open hand
See him as a giving tree
See him as matter
Matter fact he's not a beast
No not the devil either
Always a good deed doer
And it's laughter that we're makin after all
The call of the wild is still an ordination why
And the order of the primates
All our politics are too late
Oh my, the congregation in my mind
Is this assembly singing gratitude
Practicing their livin for you
Just take it easy
And celebrate the malleable reality
Nothing is ever as it seems
This life is but a dream

2008-06-05T04:05:00.000-07:00

Leaf by leaf, page by page

Throw this book away

All the sadness, all the rage

Throw this book away

Rip out the binding and tear the glue

All of the grief we never even knew

We had it all along

Now it's smoke

The things we've written in it

(Never really happened)

All the things we've written in it

(Never really happened)

All of the people come and gone

Never really lived

All the people come have gone

No one to forgive

smoke

We will never write a new one

There will not be a new one

Another one, another one

Here's an evening dark with shame

Throw it on the fire

Here's the time I took the blame

Throw it on the fire

Here's the view we didn't speak

It seemed for years and years

Here's a secret

No one will ever know the reasons for the tears

They are

smoke

Where do all the secrets live

They travel in the air

You can smell them when they burn

They travel in the air

Those who say the past is not dead

Stop and smell the smoke

You keep on saying the past is not dead

Come and smell the smoke

You keep saying the past is not even past

You keep saying ...

We are smoke ...

sowing season.....yeah

2008-06-03T03:50:00.000-07:00

i have a disease. it may not be thought of as other diseases around the world, but this might be the most common disease in the world. ive had it since i was young, and i pray i dont have it until im old. lord give me forgiveness, give me repentance, give me the strength to live without this disease that at times i seem to be so dependant on.

it is sowing season, help me to let the good seeded roots grow deeper than the thorns so that the thorns dont choke out the good seed.

****************************************************************************
Was losing all my friends
Was losing them to drinking and to driving
Was losing all my friends
I am on the mend
At least now I can say that I am trying
And I hope you will forget the things I still lack
Yeah
Yeah
Is it in you now?
To bare to hear the truths that you were spoken
Twisted up by knaves
In a trap for fools
Is it in you now?
To watch the things you gave your life to broken
You stoop and build them up with worn out tools
Yeah
Nothing gets so bad
A whisper from your father couldn't fix it
Your whispers like a bridge, he's a river span
Take all that you have
And turn it into something you were missing
Somebody threw that brick
And shattered all your plans
Yeah
Time to get the seeds and put them in the cold ground
It takes a while to grow anything
Before its coming to the end yeah
Before you put my body in the cold ground, take some time to warm it with your hands
Before it's coming to an end, yeah
It's coming to an endDo you miss the blend
Of colours she left in your black and white field
Do you feel condemned just being there?
I am not your friend
I am just a man who knows how it feels
I am not your friend
I am not your lover
I am not your family
Yeah
Time to get the seeds and put them in the cold ground
It takes a while to grow anything

Before it's coming to the end yeah

2008-06-01T15:48:00.001-07:00

i feel utterly alone...

where is home?

2008-05-31T19:41:00.000-07:00

After the funeral, breaking kola nuts
We sit and reminisce about the past
And in her voice, only sadness
Her only son taken from her
In every headline we are reminded that this is not home for us
The second generation blues
Our points of view not listened to
Different worlds and different rules
A question of allegiance
Clinging to her bible and her scapula
And the memory of the way things wereI don't see hope, I cannot smile
I burn with anger all the time
We all read what they did to the black boy
In every headline we are reminded that this is not home for us
Where is it?
Where is home?
I'll walk this modern tightrope
Of humility and belligerence
...Is getting me down
I want to stamp on the face of every young policeman
To break the fingers of every old judge
To cut off the feet of every ballerina
But I can't
So I just sigh and I just sigh
And I pretend that there's nothing wrong
The teeth of this world tear me in half
And everyday I must ask myself
Where, where, where:
Where is it?
Where is home?
In every headline we are reminded that this is not home for us

the light & the glass

2008-05-30T04:11:00.000-07:00

Slowly the pen touches paper in the guidance of the words that you write.

Memories roll in; of the things you once did and who you had shared them with is somebody thinking of you.

Did I bother telling you this, with the words that cross teeth and jump lips?

A poor choice of words, in wanting to tell you anything.

But words don't come with ease.

They're forever my hurt.

Would it really matter, if you were to count the days left with your hands?

Your focus secure and the loves you left; well

smiles staged in photographs here until...

You, you left the light on.

There's a chance I might have tripped

You were there to hold on.

Ignoring the words of your obnoxious little brother;

kill or be killed spilled the words from your mother.

I'll lay awake for a while.

I'll leave the light on a while.

But you couldn't last a lifetime.

Caught between here and the days of it;

carving her name across your arm with every wish. It's hit or miss... her.

I told you so.

I measured distance in lines departing the rest of my life.

But you, you, you... you had better things to do

Liar, liar, liar, liar.

If you get put to sleep, like an old dog, you're better off.

If you get put to sleep;

I've been cautious with the words I extend.

Allow this year before the world starts to end.

Your father's dead. He passed in his sleep, and I woke to the sounds of her crying

Your father's dead. He passed in his sleep.

Pray for us all.

Please show me you are real again. and i will wait.

2008-05-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

Sweep the dirty stairs, the ones I waited on.
This is just for me.
I felt it watching her.
And It happens too fast, to make sense of it,
Make it last.
It happens too fast, to make sense of it,
Make it last.
Where do you intend to go with dirty dress?
Lead my sceptic sight to the table and the light.
It happened too fast, to make sense of it,
Make it last.
It happened too fast, to make sense of it,Make it last.
Lead my sceptic sight.
Lead my sceptic sight.
Not asking of me anything, saying nothing about what it means,without anybody telling me what I should feel.
Not asking of me anything, saying nothing about what it means,without anybody telling me what I should feel.
What I should feel.

Lead my sceptic sight to the table and the light.

I need words

As wide as sky

I need language wide as

This longing inside

And I need a voice

Bigger than mine

And I need a song to sing you

That I've yet to find

I need you

To be here now

To hear me now

Lord, forgive my lack of faith and trusting, forgive my disobedience.

Lord, forgive my hands, forgive my heart. break it again. so that i may believe.

i cry mercy, i cry freedom from this world.